Feel this way.
“Do you think there is the possibility of you and I? In this lifetime, is that too much to hope for? There is something so delicate about this time, so fragile. And if nothing ever comes of it, at least I have known this feeling, this wonderful sense of optimism. It is something I can always keep close to me—to draw from in my darkest hour like a ray of unspent sunshine. No matter what happens next, I will always be glad to know there is someone like you in the world.”
over and over
again and again
isn’t solved, often
when it boils.
I got it wrong… again.
These days, it seems like I’m continually doing that… lurching headlong from one mistake slap bang into the middle of the next one. I’ve come to the conclusion, by a process of not too difficult elimination, that the recurring factor here, the thing fucking it all up time and time again, is, unfortunately, me.
I seem to say the wrong thing, or make people feel the wrong way, or misunderstand what they are telling me repeatedly. I never thought myself to be a really stupid person. Not the brightest sure, but I never considered myself to be completely thick. Lately I’ve been thinking that that tiny wee bit of semi-intelligence I apportioned to myself might be misplaced entirely.
Do you know what the Droste effect is? You probably do, even if you think you don’t and, even if you don’t there’s no need to Google it as I’m going to tell you what is is right here. It’s a repeated pattern. Something happening over and over again. An image duplicated where you expect another image to be, like this
I feel like I do the same thing over and over. I’m not going to quote that definition of madness thing… it’s been done to death. In fact, I see it on people’s SL profiles quite often. I wonder if that means there are others out there, like me, destined to repeat their mistakes sisyphuslike forever? Probably not. They probably learn. I wish I could. I don’t really know how to.
I think I’m kinda a mess.
and you… are the oil that dissolves…
Do you pretend it’s all okay even when you know it’s not? Ignore those little niggles .. the creeping doubts. Lie to yourself that they aren’t really there, that they will work themselves out. Dissipate….
Can we ever really, truly exist together with anyone without living an untruth of some sort? Forceful ignorance of underlying rot.
Should I ? Could I ?
It’s the little things that make you want to kill someone. Like the way he bounces his foot just within my eye line continually over and over and over and over until I can’t concentrate on anything else. Or the way he ties his laces on his too new vans and the way he slurps his coffee, loudly, messily, disgustingly. It’s the way he dyes his hair and the way his breath smells, stale and sour, when he insists on talking to me when I’m too busy for his shit. It’s the way he doesn’t even notice when I’m ignoring him, doesn’t see how I continue to work, to type, never taking my gaze from the screen… and didn’t I kill this guy a thousand times already (in my head).
Well, I can’t really write about SL just now as I haven’t been inhabiting that world for a little while. I always mean to…log in that is. I mean to when I get home late, I mean to when I wake up early on the weekends…I mean to when it leaps uninvited into my thoughts at random moments of the day. Lately though, it just never happens. Other things keep happening instead. Lots of things. Often horrible, unbearable things (and yet we bear them so are they?) SL feels frivolous. It feels wrong to contemplate doing something that might make me feel a little bit happy. We’re so smothered by decorum in this god forsake country and although I despair, these ridiculous parameters of acceptability have infiltrated me. How we are meant to be, to behave. What we can do, what we shouldn’t. I don’t care, but its deeper than caring or not. It’s ingrained. It’s a default now.
I do really miss my friends in world though. And I wonder if they think about me sometimes the way I think about them. They are really the only thing pulling me back to SL because, aside from those folk, I don’t really feel a huge sense of loss not being in world. That said, even when I don’t inhabit SL I am aware that it’s always there, in the background, ever present and I still feel a part of it even when I’m not logged. It’s a strange feeling. Almost like a relative that you feel obligated to check in on and visit on occasion, even when you don’t really have the time to do it…or particularly want to, when you have a million other things competing for your attention.
Those things. Things can change in the blink of an eye can’t they? Worlds up ended. Never the same again.
Life is Fragile.
We are Fragile things.
La jeunesse et l’amour, tu t’en souviens
C’est facile d’oublier
I sooooo love them both! The husky sexiness of Jack, the quirky coolness of Mika. I adore this song. Can’t stop dancing around the room to it 😁
See. Sometimes I do listen to upbeat stuff.
A few nights ago someone suggested that Second Life Profiles were akin to Tinder profiles. Actually, suggested isn’t really the correct word here because this person didn’t really suggest at all, they delivered more of an unyielding statement.
I didn’t save the conversation, I was a bit too tired and in the end it all sort of fizzled out with no real conclusion following a bit of a half hearted back and forth in entirely the wrong setting. People were doing that polite thing they do, trying to deflect the awkwardness and change the subject with humour. I noticed it however it was entirely too late, I was all in. In truth I’m a little frustrated at myself for reacting, especially in a place where I care about what the folk think (which is in itself an unusual state of affairs). I’m usually more controlled. Occasionally however I’ll experience a little flare of annoyance which will overcome my better judgement and propel me head long into a discussion (okay, okay an argument). This tends to happen when someone says something that I feel affects me personally or when someone lumps me in with the general populous, or when a person presumes to tell me about me (and gets it wholly wrong in the process) or when folk refuse to acknowledge that their viewpoint, although completely valid, is possibly not the only viewpoint in the entire metaverse. And sometimes, like the night in question, when they pull the rabbit out of the hat and manage tick off them all I can’t help but respond.
So what was it which ignited this little outpouring? Hmm, well, it was, of all things, Tinder. You know, the dating app? Of course you do. Tinder…tinder also means something else doesn’t it? The noun predates that horrible little application and the irony of it’s definition isn’t lost on me.
I guess you want to know what was actually said about Tinder though? I mean, I don’t love the thing however I’m not so mental that just the mere mention of the app will illicit such a response. So let me fill you in; it was asserted that everyone’s profile on SL (and therefore my profile) was akin to a Tinder profile. That our words and pictures were little more than advertisements, that by creating a profile, by filling in our little boxes we were effectively marketing ourselves to all and sundry. Putting ourselves out there, as people do on Tinder, creating a dating profile as it were. Tinder… where people are trying desperately to sell themselves in the hope of snaring a …a what exactly? A partner? A quick shag ? Something involving someone else certainly.
Now I get that point of view, really I do. In fact I largely agree with it. A lot of SL profiles are exactly that after all. A way of reaching out, of connecting. However that isn’t the case for everyone and it certainly isn’t the case for me. I don’t want randoms perusing my profile, I certainly don’t want them to contact me. I can’t be bothered with it. I mostly can’t be bothered with anything. When I do jot stuff down in my profile I’m not fishing for …someone. The things I write tend to be little musing I make up, or things I’ve seen that I felt I wanted to keep around a bit … or sometimes, just sometimes a personal message to a dear friend someone I’ve likely known years and years and years, someone important to me. Occasionally it’s a heart felt message to someone who has affected me in some way. The key thing is, I never do it to sell myself to people. That’s the last thing I’d want to do. It’s never marketing, never advertising (as was suggested). I don’t even think I’m worth buying truth be told so the thought would never enter my head.
I was trying to explain this all but … it’s difficult to discuss something with someone who, for whatever reason isn’t willing to absorb any other viewpoint bar their own. To realise that there is never a one size fits all…
I ended up calling the person a despotic. A bit harsh maybe. Childish even. I do like to deride those who have to resort to insults and yet ..sometimes I still revert to name calling myself. I like to think I’m a little more enlightened, a little better these days but I guess old habits die hard.
The person took it well, messaging me later to say ‘Here’s why I’m not despotic:CAUSE I SAY SO!’
Haha. I don’t think they really give a shit. I dunno why I do.
“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”
I had a bad week at work. Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong and I had never been more glad to see the beginning of the weekend. Two glorious days when people wouldn’t call me, mail me, instant message me. I don’t recall driving home. Do you every do that? Get in your car, start the engine and then realise you’ve arrived right in front of your house with no memory at all of how you got there? Like you were on autopilot the full way, aware yet not. I locked the car, unlocked the door to my house, smiled a little at my two little fur babies who always wait at the door to welcome me home, I tickled them just where they like it; behind her ears (the girl) and on his tummy (the boy), then crumpled onto the sofa exhausted.
I was meant to go out. I mostly always go out on a Friday night. This Friday night however, I didn’t want to. I mean, I never usually want to, I sort of force myself to do it though, go through the rigmarole of cleaning up, painting, primping, priming, dressing up… morphing into the pretend sociable butterfly persona I sometimes inhabit. Carefully choosing my costume and mask to fit in with all the other social butterflies out and about on the town. I don’t really know why I still do it every week. Thinking about it now I think I feel like it’s healthier to be out in the world with others than shut inside alone, at least sometimes. Or maybe it’s because I’d rather avoid the questions that come when I don’t do this ‘ what’s wrong’, ‘are you ok?’, ‘should we come round to yours?’ (god no, please no). The conversations I imagine they’d have about me. I hate people talking about me. It’s just easier to be a sheep for a little while. And when I’m actually out I do enjoy the company of these people, they are funny, clever, a little crazy. I wouldn’t spend time with people I didn’t like. I can’t. So I keep doing it because I know, if I can get there it will be okay even though every single week my mind rebels against the notion and even if I do still feel a little detached in the company. There and part of it but a little separate too. Tonight however I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to. I’d had a shitty week of it and I just wanted to stay in, alone, in my jammies and drink nice red wine so I decided to do just that.
After a while I got bored watching netflix so I logged into SL. I have a friend, a kind, warm hearted, funny Portuguese guy who plays music on a Friday night and whose set I hardly ever get to hear (and I love his sets) so I was looking forward to being able to listen. I made my way over and I was sitting there waiting for him to start chatting away to another adorable friend when I realised that I had just swapped one sort of socialising for another. Tangible friends for virtual ones. I had still thought about what I was going to wear, what my hair was like, my little doll’s makeup. I was still in a place with friends, conversing, listening, participating. Was it so very different? In some ways it is. In some ways a night online actually tops a night out in the real world. Your avatar stays perfect looking all evening; no smudged lipstick, alcohol spills all over your clothes, vape fumes in your hair. It’s much easier to avoid people and definitely much easier to leave. There is no faffing about with taxis home and drawn out good byes, instead just a quick ‘cheerio!’ and a click of the little x top left. However all in all ..I think its pretty much of a muchness, a place to come together and talk in the same way you would in the real world.
I suppose SL makes a social life possible for many people who can’t get out for whatever reason yet still crave some form of human connection, of collectiveness. That has to be a good thing doesn’t it?
For me, for now, I think it’s nice to have this other option. This virtual choice to take or leave as I want. And I think its wonderful that it’s finally the weekend. Precious days of peace and procrastination!
I hope you are enjoying yours! x
So. I logged into these lovely messages today:
[10:56] Emengard (oliviaemilygrace): (Saved Wed May 29 00:40:10 2019)’I shure wish cruush would notish me’ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[10:56] Emengard (oliviaemilygrace): (Saved Wed May 29 00:40:15 2019)Btw, is a man in your rl profile picture? ROFL!!!!!
I wonder if I know who it is?
(Quite probably. They know my nationality and I guess they read this blog which is unpublicised, hello you, whoever you are).
I wonder why people do this stuff?
(Honestly, it’s better just talk to me as you. This passive aggressive stuff is … just silly).
I wonder if they really are foreign or just pretending?
( I analyse everything wayyyyy too much, including text patterns. I don’t know anyone stupid. At least not mentally stupid 😉 Everyone I know is way smarter than I am. They likely changed their default).
I wonder if their SL profile is about me?
(I’m guessing so… it says Scottish and yep, that’s my RL picture there).
Ohwell. I guess I must have pissed someone off somewhere.
(I’m sorry if I’ve hurt or offended you however only if you were undeserving of it. Chances are if I cut you out of my life you likely handed me the scissors)
I didn’t look at the Youtube yet. I probably won’t. I imagine its something horrible. My skin isn’t that thick and I get affected by things. So congratulations. You made me feel rubbish.
Second life at it’s finest! Again.
She says it better…she explains it perfectly
Sometimes, at the cool wee club I go to in SL, they do this thing they call Tea and Sympathy. It’s basically a group Q&A thing where themes are chosen and then someone (usually Kris) starts it all off by spinning a big red arrow which then stops on someone. The spinner (usually Kris) then has to ask the person the arrow has selected a question within the parameters of the chosen theme and they answer. At least they are supposed to answer. I don’t answer very much as I don’t like divulging things to people I don’t know very well. I will and have answered in the past when I have felt comfy however that doesn’t happen very often.
It’s a bit of a dilemma as I feel like I’m sort of cheating by going along and not completely participating. I do like going though as I find many of the people there really, really interesting. I’m curious about them, about their experiences, about how they think therefore I like hearing their answers to the questions. Not this time but last for example I found out someone had met and married a person from SL and yes, they are still together. How lovely is that? 🙂 I’m lucky that they tolerate me and let me come despite my reticence to participate.
Last night was sort of weird as there was someone new there I didn’t know who was kinda angry. He was trying to not sound angry, I could tell …he was saying a lot of ‘I agrees’ and ‘I get your point of views’ but it was there in his voice, the jaggynettleness. You can’t hide that. We all know a person like that don’t we? Someone who will call white black and who just loves to get into arguments. Someone all send and no receive. He felt like that sort of a person. He was there with someone and when the arrow alighted on her … we could hear her through his mic saying she didn’t have a mic and could she use his. There then ensued a bizarre dialogue between them debating this, deciding on this, then eventually swapping the mic whilst we all just sat about thinking what the actual fuck is going on. From then on in they did a sort of tag team double act answer thing. It was all very strange but kinda amusing at the same time. And I guess, really, I’m not best placed to criticise anyone given my own voice and participation failings.
All of this did make me think though, about voices and how affecting they are in SL when we can’t see the person. Much more so than they are iRL when we have a fuller picture, when they are supplemented by a persons looks, gestures, all that other stuff. I automatically didn’t like that guy based on his voice. I wonder if I would have had such an instant reaction iRL? Maybe. Maybe not. Do I even consider voices face to face iRL.. I think yes as I do adore accents and sounds however, having thought about it a bit, its not the initial consideration. Voices do matter in SL though. It’s an extra element. It’s the something ‘more’ behind the avatar, another step closer to the real person. I like to hear a person’s voice. It helps me shape them in my head.
I don’t talk often. I have talked at the wee club one or two times and now, when I go there, they often ask me talk again and, because they are super lovely, they say things I think they think I will like such as ‘you’ve a nice voice’ (I think they say this to everyone lol) however that actually has the opposite effect and makes me not want to talk at all… the pressure of it and the build up and the … inevitable disappointment when they realise Im just a Scottish girl with an accent no-one can understand 😉
So that’s how I spent the other night. At Altitude doing tea and sympathy… there was no tea though by the way! They need to remedy that. I’ll bring the scones.
Today I’m going to do you a favour. I’m going to share with you the biggest lesson I’ve learned in here and trust me, this one’s a game changer, quite literally.
I learned this the hard way cycling through this pattern a few times before it finally embedded into my thick head. So here it is;
If you insist on imagining you know what someone else is thinking and you then base your decisions upon that supposition then you are absolutely 100% going to be taking action upon something completely incorrect.
I do this all the time. Things aren’t going quite how I imagine they should be going. People aren’t acting in exactly the way I think they should be acting and, instead of articulating my, let’s call them concerns, I just go off into tailspin and start imagining all sorts of shit. And it’s never good. Pretty much always negative. I’ll throw up a bunch of theories in my head and then pick the one I feel fits best and convince myself it’s reality. Then I’ll start altering my behaviour and interactions accordingly which, of course, has a knock on effect and invairably cause issues where usually there were none to begin with. In this daft situation often the only issue is the one I concocted all by myself within my own stupid head.
I’m very, very good at doing this. I’ve don’t it many, many times. It’s wrecked countless relationships and friendships RL and SL. I’m stubborn and strange and frankly awful at talking things through. I avoid anything I feel is sensitive or awkward, anything that could expose me and my feelings in any way at all and potentially open me up, like the plague. I’d rather let a relationship wither and die than put myself on the line like that. It’s a tragic way to be and I probably would have kept doing it had it not been for the insight provided by a friend quite recently which gave me the courage to try something new and …. to be amazed and awed at the results.
I was mid spiral … committed to my free fall again when he gave me this counselling. For some reason his logic made sense to me and he managed to penetrate my thick skull. Here are some of the things he said…
- What did I think had happened?
- How did I arrive at that conclusion?
- What facts (note facts not assumptions) support this?
- Had I voiced my concerns?
- Had I given the other person a chance to not only defend themselves but even be aware that the situation existed?
- How could it be made better i.e. what did I actually want?
- And … here’s possibly the most important one … was I acting like and mature, rational adult or an immature unthinking child?
That last was hard to acknowledge and I’ll admit, pissed me off when he said it. However he said it a few days ago and I’ve had a little time with it. Now I realise that although I’m not a child that I do sometimes act like one. Quite a lot. I use my social anxiety and general weirdness as an excuse. I use it to hide. I use it, I realised, to perpetuate unhappiness unnecessarily.
So… I laid it all on the table, warts and all. I explain that it was new to me, uncomfy, hard but here it was; this was what was running around in my head, this was how I felt… and this was I needed.
And.. wonder of wonders. He understood. He graciously and without hesitation offered me what I needed. And all was good in the world again.
As simple and easy and straightforward as that.
And I learned something. And maybe reading this, if you are anything like me… you will too.
Be a ninja?
What? You don’t ? Really? Owell.
I’m sure you do wanna watch this video though (you do, trust me). I came about it quite by accident and it made me laugh and well, we all need some laughs in life sometimes don’t we.
You know when you click on something online and then that leads you to something else and then you find something else and … okay so, you know how that goes right? I kinda found this video that way. I clicked on something in SL and off down the rabbit hole I went and I found this utter amazingness that is SmacemanSpiff Grau, so ta, Mr, whoever you are. You made me smile today.
Ps the best bit is when he’s crawling along on his tummy. I proper lol’d at that part.
Pps I feel the need to say that I completely, absolutely was not snooping and spying and jumping to conclusions when I commenced said clicking. Because I never do that. Never ever. Nope, that is completely not the sort of girl I am. Honestly 😉
Well, two actually. Two people deleted me tonight….
[14:00] OnAndOffFriend Resident: Good luck with your life
[15:09] BeenMyFriendforYears Resident: how about.. fuck off 🙂
Sometimes I can’t be what you need.
Sometimes I can’t even be what I need.
Sometimes I have nothing left in me and when I reach out to you or you reach out to me for …something, for anything, and I can’t reciprocate exactly how you want me to in that very moment you react carelessly.
And even if it brings hot, sad tears to my eyes, that’s okay because… I have nothing in me just now, there’s nothing left. And to be honest, it’s just one less thing to worry about. There are so many things to worry about and …it’s all too much sometimes. The pretence gets to me a little more each day. The mask is going to slip soon and I’ll be there, exposed in my hopelessness and there will be no way back and .. at that point. I won’t want there to be.
I can feel it coming. Like my gran could feel the rain coming in her wee pinky… it’s there. It’s only a matter of time.
Sometimes .. you need to see more than what’s right in front of you. Sometimes you need to realise that…although someone hardly ever talks about what’s really wrong, although they always prefer to ask about you, to listen, sometimes …it’s just not possible to listen anymore. That it’s not about you… that the unsaid things are there being screamed silently from between the lines…and that sometimes, just sometimes… people desperately want someone. Anyone… to notice.
People don’t. All the see is themselves. How actions affect them directly. It’s always all about them. About you. Instead of asking why, as I so often do .. so often… instead of thinking… this is different, why, the reaction is deletion.
Owell. I actually don’t fucking care.
“Hᴀᴛᴛᴏʀɪ Hᴀɴᴢᴏ (ares.firethorn): i am looking for a loving caring sweet beautiful women who can roleplay and emote, who loves to spend time together listen to live music,go dance and cuddle and sex, obviously . someone open minded as i seek someone, who wants once or twice a week help me orgasm by showing her naked breasts on webcam Just sitting there, no weird poses, no face, just sit there 15-20 Min, the rest in sl, i have to add my rl wife plays in sl too, she is married and partnered, and we sometimes meet, so you need to get along with her too, also i can only watch cam and not cam back i can make pics as per rule of the wife, she has the same rules offcourse, I am actively seeking someone who is prepared to do that for me, as i am very sexually active and seek a long term partner and exclusive if she wants such
Offcourse i would not ask cam from day one,
i would give you a week or so to get to know each other if you then stil dont like the idea we can each go our own way , im at the computer but im naked winks”