It’s the little things that make you want to kill someone. Like the way he bounces his foot just within my eye line continually over and over and over and over until I can’t concentrate on anything else. Or the way he ties his laces on his too new vans and the way he slurps his coffee, loudly, messily, disgustingly. It’s the way he dyes his hair and the way his breath smells, stale and sour, when he insists on talking to me when I’m too busy for his shit. It’s the way he doesn’t even notice when I’m ignoring him, doesn’t see how I continue to work, to type, never taking my gaze from the screen… and didn’t I kill this guy a thousand times already (in my head).
Well, I can’t really write about SL just now as I haven’t been inhabiting that world for a little while. I always mean to…log in that is. I mean to when I get home late, I mean to when I wake up early on the weekends…I mean to when it leaps uninvited into my thoughts at random moments of the day. Lately though, it just never happens. Other things keep happening instead. Lots of things. Often horrible, unbearable things (and yet we bear them so are they?) SL feels frivolous. It feels wrong to contemplate doing something that might make me feel a little bit happy. We’re so smothered by decorum in this god forsake country and although I despair, these ridiculous parameters of acceptability have infiltrated me. How we are meant to be, to behave. What we can do, what we shouldn’t. I don’t care, but its deeper than caring or not. It’s ingrained. It’s a default now.
I do really miss my friends in world though. And I wonder if they think about me sometimes the way I think about them. They are really the only thing pulling me back to SL because, aside from those folk, I don’t really feel a huge sense of loss not being in world. That said, even when I don’t inhabit SL I am aware that it’s always there, in the background, ever present and I still feel a part of it even when I’m not logged. It’s a strange feeling. Almost like a relative that you feel obligated to check in on and visit on occasion, even when you don’t really have the time to do it…or particularly want to, when you have a million other things competing for your attention.
Those things. Things can change in the blink of an eye can’t they? Worlds up ended. Never the same again.
Life is Fragile.
We are Fragile things.