SAVE ME…

It’s the little things that make you want to kill someone. Like the way he bounces his foot just within my eye line continually over and over and over and over until I can’t concentrate on anything else. Or the way he ties his laces on his too new vans and the way he slurps his coffee, loudly, messily, disgustingly.  It’s the way he dyes his hair and the way his breath smells, stale and sour, when he insists on talking to me when I’m too busy for his shit. It’s the way he doesn’t even notice when I’m ignoring him, doesn’t see how I continue to work, to type,  never taking my gaze from the screen… and didn’t I kill this guy a thousand times already (in my head).

 

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Life is changing every second

Well, I can’t really write about SL just now as I haven’t been inhabiting that world for a little while. I always mean to…log in that is. I mean to when I get home late, I mean to when I wake up early on the weekends…I mean to when it leaps uninvited into my thoughts at random moments of the day. Lately though, it just never happens. Other things keep happening instead. Lots of things.  Often horrible, unbearable things (and yet we bear them so are they?) SL feels frivolous. It feels wrong to contemplate doing something that might make me feel a little bit happy.  We’re so smothered by decorum in this god forsake country and although I despair, these ridiculous parameters of acceptability have infiltrated me. How we are meant to be, to behave. What we can do, what we shouldn’t. I don’t care, but its deeper than caring or not. It’s ingrained. It’s a default now.

I do really miss my friends in world though. And I wonder if they think about me sometimes the way I think about them.  They are really the only thing pulling me back to SL because, aside from those folk, I don’t really feel a huge sense of loss not being in world. That said, even when I don’t inhabit SL I am aware that it’s always there, in the background, ever present and I still feel a part of it even when I’m not logged. It’s a strange feeling. Almost like a relative that you feel obligated to check in on and visit on occasion, even when you don’t really have the time to do it…or particularly want to, when you have a million other things competing for your attention.

Those things. Things can change in the blink of an eye can’t it? Worlds up ended. Never the same again.

Life is Fragile.

We are Fragile things.

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Youth and Love

La jeunesse et l’amour, tu t’en souviens
C’est facile d’oublier
Vas-y, essaye!

I sooooo love them both! The husky sexiness of  Jack, the quirky coolness of Mika. I adore this song. Can’t stop dancing around the room to it 😁

See. Sometimes I do listen to upbeat stuff.

Wanna date me?

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A few nights ago someone suggested that Second Life Profiles were akin to Tinder profiles. Actually, suggested isn’t really the correct word here because this person didn’t really suggest at all, they delivered more of an unyielding statement.

I didn’t save the conversation, I was too tired and in the end it all sort of fizzled out with no real conclusion following a bit of a half hearted back and forth in entirely the wrong setting. People were doing that polite thing they do, trying to deflect the awkwardness and change the subject with humour. I noticed it however it was entirely too late, I was all in. In truth I’m a little frustrated at myself for reacting, especially in a place where I care about what the folk think (which is in itself an unusual state of affairs). I’m usually more controlled. Occasionally however I’ll experience a little flare of annoyance which will overcome my better judgement and propel me head long into a discussion (okay, okay an argument). This tends to happen when someone says something that I feel affects me personally or when someone lumps me in with the general populous, or when a person presumes to tell me about me (and gets it wholly wrong in the process) or when folk refuse to acknowledge that their viewpoint, although completely valid, is possibly not the only viewpoint in the entire metaverse.  And sometimes, like the night in question, when they pull the rabbit out of the hat and manage tick off them all I can’t help but respond.

So what was it which ignited this little outpouring? Hmm, well, it was, of all things, Tinder. You know, the dating app? Of course you do. Tinder…tinder also means something else doesn’t it? The noun predates that horrible little application and the irony of it’s definition isn’t lost on me.

I guess you want to know what was actually said about Tinder though? I mean, I don’t love the thing however I’m not so metal that just the mere mention of the app will illicit such a response.  So let me fill you in; it was asserted that everyone’s profile  on SL (and therefore my profile) was akin to a Tinder profile.  That our words and pictures were little more than advertisements, that by creating a profile, by filling in our  little boxes we were effectively marketing ourselves to all and sundry. Putting ourselves out there, as people do on Tinder, creating a dating profile as it were. Tinder… where people are trying desperately to sell themselves in the hope of snaring a …a what exactly? A partner?  A quick shag ?  Something involving someone else certainly.

Now I get that point of view, really I do. In fact I largely agree with it. A lot of SL profiles are exactly that after all. A way of reaching out, of connecting. However that isn’t the case for everyone and it certainly isn’t the case for me. I don’t want randoms perusing my profile, I certainly don’t want them to contact me. I can’t be bothered with it. I mostly can’t be bothered with anything. When I do jot stuff down in my profile I’m not fishing for …someone. The things I write tend to be little musing I make up, or things I’ve seen that I felt I wanted to keep around a bit … or sometimes, just sometimes a personal message to a dear friend someone I’ve likely known years and years and years, someone important to me.  Occasionally it’s a heart felt message to someone who has affected me in some way.  The key thing is, I never do it to sell myself to people. That’s the last thing I’d want to do.  It’s never marketing, never advertising (as was suggested). I don’t even think I’m worth buying truth be told so the thought would never enter my head.

I was trying to explain this all but … it’s difficult to discuss something with someone who, for whatever reason isn’t willing to absorb any other viewpoint bar their own. To realise that there is never a one size fits all…

I ended up calling the person a despotic. A bit harsh maybe. Childish even. I do like to deride those who have to resort to insults and yet ..sometimes I still revert to name calling myself. I like to think I’m a little more enlightened, a little better these days but I guess old habits die hard.

The person took it well, messaging me later to say ‘Here’s why I’m not despotic:CAUSE I SAY SO!’

I don’t think they really give a shit. I dunno why I do.

 

Mad Girl’s Love Song

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“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

Sylvia Plath

Socialising in SL

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I had a bad week at work. Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong and I had never been more glad to see the beginning of the weekend. Two glorious days when people wouldn’t call me, mail me, instant message me. I don’t recall driving home. Do you every do that? Get in your car, start the engine and then realise you’ve arrived right in front of your house with no memory at all of how you got there?  Like you were on autopilot the full way,  aware yet not. I locked the car, unlocked the door to my house, smiled a little at my two little fur babies who always wait at the door to welcome me home, I tickled them just where they like it; behind her ears (the girl) and on his tummy (the boy), then crumpled onto the sofa exhausted.

I was meant to go out. I mostly always go out on a Friday night. This Friday night however, I didn’t want to. I mean, I never usually want to, I sort of force myself to do it though, go through the rigmarole of cleaning up, painting, primping, priming, dressing up… morphing into the pretend sociable butterfly persona I sometimes inhabit. Carefully choosing my costume and mask to fit in with all the other social butterflies out and about on the town. I don’t really know why I still do it every week. Thinking about it now I  think I feel like it’s healthier to be out in the world with others than shut inside alone, at least sometimes.  Or maybe it’s because I’d rather avoid the questions that come when I don’t do this ‘ what’s wrong’, ‘are you ok?’, ‘should we come round to yours?’ (god no, please no). The conversations I imagine they’d have about me. I hate people talking about me. It’s just easier to be a sheep for a little while. And when I’m actually out I do enjoy the company of these people, they are funny, clever, a little crazy. I wouldn’t spend time with people I didn’t like. I can’t. So I keep doing it because I know, if I can get there it will be okay even though every single week my mind rebels against the notion and even if I do still feel a little detached in the company. There and part of it but a little separate too. Tonight however I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to. I’d had a shitty week of it and I just wanted to stay in, alone, in my jammies and drink nice red wine so I decided to do just that.

After a while I got bored watching netflix so I logged into SL.  I have a friend, a kind, warm hearted, funny Portuguese guy who plays music on a Friday night and whose set I hardly ever get to hear (and I love his sets) so I was looking forward to being able to listen. I  made my way over and I was sitting there waiting for him to start chatting away to another adorable friend when I realised that I had just swapped one sort of socialising for another. Tangible friends for virtual ones.  I had still thought about what I was going to wear, what my hair was like, my little doll’s makeup. I was still in a place with friends, conversing, listening, participating. Was it so very different? In some ways it is. In some ways a night online actually tops a night out in the real world. Your avatar stays perfect looking all evening; no smudged lipstick, alcohol spills all over your clothes, vape fumes in your hair.  It’s much easier to avoid people and definitely much easier to leave. There is no faffing about with taxis home and drawn out good byes,  instead just a quick ‘cheerio!’ and a click of the little x top left. However all in all ..I think its pretty much of a muchness, a place to come together and talk in the same way you would in the real world.

I suppose SL makes a social life possible for many people who can’t get out for whatever reason yet still crave some form of human connection, of collectiveness. That has to be a good thing doesn’t it?

For me,  for now, I think it’s nice to have this other option. This virtual choice to take or leave as I want. And I think its wonderful that it’s finally the weekend. Precious days of peace and procrastination!

I hope you are enjoying yours! x

Charmers of SL #2

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So. I logged into these lovely messages today:

[10:56] Emengard (oliviaemilygrace): (Saved Wed May 29 00:40:10 2019)’I shure wish cruush would notish me’ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[10:56] Emengard (oliviaemilygrace): (Saved Wed May 29 00:40:15 2019)Btw, is a man in your rl profile picture? ROFL!!!!!

I wonder if I know who it is?

(Quite probably. They know my nationality and I guess they read this blog which is unpublicised, hello you, whoever you are).

I wonder why people do this stuff?

(Honestly, it’s better just talk to me as you. This passive aggressive stuff  is … just silly).

I wonder if they really are foreign or just pretending?

( I analyse everything wayyyyy too much, including text patterns. I don’t know anyone stupid. At least not mentally stupid  😉  Everyone I know is way smarter than I am. They likely changed their default).

I wonder if their SL profile is about me?

(I’m guessing so…  it says Scottish and yep, that’s my RL picture there).

Ohwell. I guess I must have pissed someone off somewhere.

(I’m sorry if I’ve hurt or offended you however only if you were undeserving of it. Chances are if I cut you out of my life you likely handed me the scissors)

I didn’t look at the Youtube yet. I probably won’t. I imagine its something horrible. My skin isn’t that thick and I get affected by things.  So congratulations. You made me feel rubbish.

Second life at it’s finest! Again.

Tea,Sympathy and an angry person.

Screen Shot 2019-05-13 at 12.48.19.pngSometimes, at the cool wee club I go to in SL, they do this thing they call Tea and Sympathy. It’s basically a  group Q&A thing where themes are chosen and then someone (usually Kris) starts it all off by spinning a big red arrow which then stops on someone. The spinner  (usually Kris) then has to ask the person the arrow has selected a question within the parameters of the chosen theme and they answer. At least they are supposed to answer. I don’t answer very much as I don’t like divulging things to people I don’t know very well. I will and have answered in the past when I have felt comfy however that doesn’t happen very often.

It’s a bit of a dilemma as I feel like I’m sort of cheating by going along and not completely participating. I do like going though as I find many of the people there really, really interesting. I’m curious about them, about  their experiences, about how they think therefore I like hearing their answers to the questions.  Not this time but last for example I found out someone had met and married a person from SL and yes, they are still together.  How lovely is that? 🙂 I’m lucky that they tolerate me and let me come despite my reticence to participate.

Last night was sort of weird as there was someone new there I didn’t know who was kinda angry.   He was trying to not sound angry, I could tell …he was saying a lot of ‘I agrees’ and ‘I get your point of views’ but it was there in his voice, the jaggynettleness. You can’t hide that.  We all know a person like that don’t we? Someone who will call white black and who just loves to get into arguments. Someone all send and no receive. He felt like that sort of a person. He was there with someone and when the arrow alighted on her … we could hear her through his mic saying she didn’t have a mic and could she use his. There then ensued a bizarre dialogue between them debating this, deciding on this,  then eventually swapping the mic whilst we all just sat about thinking what the actual fuck is going on. From then on in they did a sort of tag team double act answer thing. It was all very strange but kinda amusing at the same time.  And I guess, really, I’m not best placed to criticise anyone given my own voice and participation failings.

All of this did make me think though, about voices and how affecting they are in SL when we can’t see the person. Much more so than they are iRL when we have a fuller picture, when they are supplemented by a persons looks, gestures, all that other stuff.  I automatically didn’t like that guy based on his voice. I wonder if  I would have had such an instant reaction iRL?  Maybe. Maybe not. Do I even consider voices face to face iRL.. I think yes as I do adore accents and sounds however, having thought about it a bit, its not the initial consideration. Voices do matter in SL though. It’s an extra element. It’s the something ‘more’ behind the avatar, another step closer to the real person. I like to hear a person’s voice. It helps me shape them in my head.

I don’t talk often. I have talked at the wee club one or two times and now,  when I go there, they often ask me talk again and, because they are super lovely,  they say things I think they think I will like such as  ‘you’ve a nice voice’  (I think they say this to everyone lol) however that actually has the opposite effect and makes me not want to talk at all… the pressure of it and the build up and the … inevitable disappointment when they realise Im just a Scottish girl with an accent no-one can understand  😉

So that’s how I spent the other night. At Altitude doing tea and sympathy…  there was no tea though by the way!  They need to remedy that. I’ll bring the scones.