I’ve been engrossed in Huckleberry Hax’s stories again. Particularly The man who had an affair with his wife. I always wonder if there is a little bit of him in his narrations (there is isn’t there? He knows too much, he’s tried this shit out). Anyway, feeling sort of inspired, I thought about writing a series of stories myself and so I started off this little bundle of words that way. It soon became apparent however that this was a story about me and, as I felt a bit daft about doing it, I changed it back. I tried to do it that way as I always endeavour not to make these posts personal (and when I do occasionally transgress and slip one out I’m fairly quick to come to my senses and remove it again). As this post is a bit personal I reasoned a 3rd party story would have worked really well. That all went to shit pretty quickly 😉 however I’m still going to post this anyway because, well…. we’ve most of us been there haven’t we? Some of us are still here …
Three years ago, tired from sim hopping, I was taking a little rest at one of my favourite (and at the time new) sims. Trailing my fingertips through the virtual grass, I was absentmindedly watching the trees sway gently in the wind, my mind wandering as aimlessly as the fluffy white clouds swirling overhead in the blue sky when I saw him. To be fair I saw lots of people milling around at that time however there was something about this particular guy that caught my attention. Perhaps the clothes, casual, a little hipster yet not in the pretentious way, possibly the way he was, despite being near, still giving me space… who knows really. Whatever it was, I felt sort of drawn to him and in that moment I decided to do something I seldom do and message him.
Little did I know that those few introductory words, so innocent and succinct would lead to such a profound and affecting relationship with one of the most special guys I have ever encountered.
The spark was instant; I had never laughed so easily with someone in so little time. He was witty and self depreciating. We exchanged friend requests (and you know how I feel about instant friend requests if you’ve read my previous posts). An initial chat led to a friendship over a few months. That friendship turned into …something else and that something else settled to dust. In those few initial words he instantly became special to me, and he has continued to stay special even after things …. have changed.
For the briefest of times however things were great, really great. Then the issues started creeping out, fuelled by our miscommunications and strange, weird personalities which led to unresolved misunderstandings. He’s not the easiest of people, God love him and neither am I. Truth be told there were a lot of things conspiring to bring about the beginning of the (first) end however if I had to choose just one, I’d credit our initial demise to a particular best friend (wannabe partner) of his who turned out to be completely mental and infatuated with him. I tried to integrate, I really did, I tried hard (and this from a non people person as well!). For example if he and I were dancing together and she rocked up we’d just go over and dance beside her, all three of us, all inclusively. Nice huh? I thought so. She still acted weird as fuck though. Slowly and subtly she’d drip poison in his ears. Three was definitely a crowd and that dynamic would never have worked.
The second time around that element wasn’t there at all and we still managed to break things again and this time it was a rl thing that got in the way. After that he didn’t log in for ages. Not logging in didn’t mean much. We weren’t constrained to SL, we took things outside very quickly as I’m prone to do. I just didn’t contact him and he didn’t contact me. Mostly because we are like that and are both incredibly stupid. I still thought about him pretty much every day (things I’d see I wanted to share with him, gigs I went to I’d want to tell him about, so many small and big things) however he wasn’t in SL. I didn’t actually see him and we didn’t talk. When I look back at all that time however I do feel like I still did share all of it with him because although he wasn’t with me and although I didn’t say the words out loud I still told him them, in my head.
Okay. That’s getting a bit weird even for me. Moving on.
One day he started logging again. His name pinged up on my screen and my heart jumped into my mouth. I can’t remember who talked first. He says it was me, I think it was him. One day I will actually go check. I don’t tend to like re-reading our old logs though as weird things crop up so maybe I won’t. Anyway he’s here again….. I can see him.
It hurt a lot to see him at first. To talk again. I’m hesitant and reticent around him. Dissolving a relationship is, after all painful. We are talking though… periodically in dribs and drabs and when we do I realise I can talk to him forever. Hours and hours slip by and I don’t notice. Its easy and comfortable when I forget to remember about the past.
I do remember the past though. What I remember the most is that I missed him when he wasn’t in my life. I missed him incredibly. Having to accept not having him in my life was hard. Trying to let him go was… difficult. When he started logging back in and talking again I started to wonder what was worse? Was letting him back in going to be harder than missing him? We’d been friends before in the very beginning, so why couldn’t we be friends again now? Was it possible to even be that?
In the months without him I know I wasn’t really interested in anybody else. No-one is as easy to talk to, as sweet and caring, as giving, there was and is a continual comparison going on and I doubt anyone will ever come out on top. So I’ve decided to let him back into my life… as ‘just a friend’ because, lets be honest, he never really left. Are we really that though? I don’t know is the answer. I’m taking it one day at a time. What I think I’ve decided is that I’m unhappier without him in my life. Falling for someone is not something we can control however we do have control over choosing to stay around that person.
So whilst it is far from easy, I’m choosing to stay, for now.